Have you ever had one of those 'this sort of thing only happens to me' moments? Yeah...me too...I had one yesterday.
I attended my first Al-Anon meeting. I was told by the counselors at my husband's rehab that these meetings would benefit me and give me support and so forth and so on...so, yesterday at noon I drug my ass to one. I'm not sure what I expected but this is what I got...
As we know, AA and it's affiliated groups are based on what they call a 'spiritual' process. They mention a 'higher power' and turning your life over to it and blah, blah, blah. They tell you it doesn't have to be the Christian God, but come on, we know that's what they mean, right? So, being an atheist, I knew I would eventually have to put myself out there and explain why that whole 'turning my life over to a higher power' thing might not work for me. I just didn't expect it to happen at my first meeting. But, it did...and I irritated another member...specifically, an old lady. Yep, that's right...I'm going to Al-Anon meetings and aggravating the piss out of senior citizens with my atheism.
Now, before you get all up in arms about how could I possibly do this and I must be one of those 'new atheists' you keep hearing about with their loud mouths and their arrogance and their scientific evidence let me say this...SHE STARTED IT! I was content to politely explain my position and let it go...but oh no...God-loving Granny told me, to my face, that I was 'full of shit'. (Her exact words, I might add...it seems you can cuss like a sailor as long as you profess a love for God...go figure.)
I tried with all my might and a calm demeanor and smile on my face to disengage this woman since I was explaining myself to another woman that was actually listening and interested and getting where I was coming from.
Now that I look back on it...it was funny...and it would only happen to me.
On a darker note...my husband called last night and he is apparently even more crazy sober than he ever was when he was high on the pills. I'm not sure if all this schizophrenic shit is normal or not...I just know I'm tired of it and I'm not sure I can take much more. It is starting to dawn on me that my marriage may be over. I can't describe how sad that makes me feel...but it's out of my control so I just have to accept it and try to move on with my life. Yeah...wish me luck with that...
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Life is a Highway...and I've run into a ditch
Been a while, I know since I've written anything...but hey, life happens and you gotta deal so that's what I've been doing. However, this blog is about to take a very serious, deep turn.
I started this blog as just a way to get out the random shit that ebb and flows through my brain. It was supposed to be a way for me to say what I wanted to say but couldn't on the other sites because certain friends and family members know exactly who I am over there and frankly, there's stuff that I think about that would scare the crap out of them and I didn't want them to see or read it...so I came here. Here, I'm Anonymous. My name isn't posted, neither is my picture. Here, I'm safe. I wish I was as safe in real life as I am here...because life has been kicking my ass the last few months.
So, the new purpose of this blog, at least for the time being, will be to allow me to get out what's happening in my life. It's more for me...if you want to read it, feel free to do so...if you don't, I don't give a damn. But I've been through a lot lately and it looks like there's a lot more up ahead for me and I have to get it out of my head
For those who don't know me well...I despise DRAMA. I detest highly dramatic people, highly dramatic situations, I'm not even that interested in highly dramatic movies. I prefer nice, calm people who have their shit together...nice, calm situations where every body's comfortable and documentaries/non-fiction books over fiction any day. Real life is tough enough without inventing hardship...in my opinion anyway. However, about a year and half ago, I woke up one day and all of sudden, my life is like a bad reality television show...which I HATE reality tv.
In the last 2 years, I have had to endure marital problems with my husband...consisting of not 1, but 2! emotional affairs...I have attended 4 funerals...I have had to semi-retire from a job I loved...I have reconnected with my long-lost father that I haven't seen in 18yrs...one of the funerals I attended was his mother, my grandmother, that I had also not seen in 18yrs. I have been dealing with my daughter's developmental delay, my son becoming a full-fledged teenager, and my own Lupus. I have (like everyone else) seen a dramatic decrease in our income due to less work at my husband's job. I have spent 4 days in a psyche ward when I had a nervous breakdown. I started a bar brawl when I found my husband talking to his 'friend' one night in a bar. And now...all this has culminated in the biggest bombshell of all...something I never thought I would have to deal with but am dealing with it now...my husband is a drug addict. (for those of you that are curious, his drug of choice is painkillers.)
He's hidden this pretty well over time. But lately, it's gotten out of hand. And he even came to me some time back to tell me he had a problem but I blew it off. I know, why did I do that? Well, to be honest, I had no evidence that he was an addict...so I thought he was inventing an excuse for why he had been a jackass the last year or so...this was a huge mistake and I URGE you...if your loved one ever comes to you and says they have a problem...LISTEN AND BELIEVE! Even if you don't see signs for yourself...believe that person 100%! Hindsight...20/20.
Last week, my husband slapped our teenage son in the face. This was unacceptable, obviously, and by then I had started to suspect something was up. So, I did some snooping...I found empty pill bottles...pain pills, muscle relaxers, over the counter sleep medicines. Confirmation that we had a serious problem. Since it is non-negotiable for me that my children will NOT be raised in a home with an addict, I confronted him and gave him an ultimatum...rehab, or move back to his mothers...I didn't care either way, but he was not living in this house another night. He chose re-hab. Yes, my husband has gone to re-hab. (And I can't get that fucking Amy Winehouse song out of my fucking head...if I ever see her I'm gonna stab her in her fucking face.)
He's been there for 11 days...he has 5 days left. It's been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. He is having mood swings from withdrawals...he is angry with himself, with me, with the staff at the center, with life in general...he's not thinking rationally...he swings from telling me he wants a divorce to telling me he loves me and is thankful to have me...he calls me and is in a good mood and then 30 seconds later he hangs up on me in anger. He's basically out of his fucking mind. He's driving me crazy...but I'm told this is normal behaviour...he's not thinking rationally...he is, in fact, a bit delusional.
And me? I'm scared. I've never been so scared in my life. How do I do this? How do I hold onto things and get to some point of sanity? (Disclaimer: If you are a friend/family member of mine reading this and you comment for me to 'just leave the bastard already!' I will bitch-slap you the next time I see you...I've heard it and I'm tired of hearing it so shut up.) What do I tell my kids? How do you explain drug addiction and re-hab to a 3yr old girl? You can't....it's impossible. All she knows is her Daddy is gone...and she loves her Daddy so much. My heart breaks for my kids every second of every day.
My heart breaks for me, too. I'm lonely. Oh, I have friends and family members and they love me and are here to support me...but my love, my husband, my friend, my lover, my life partner and constant companion of the last 12yrs is gone...not here. It's almost like he died. No, it's worse...at least if he died I could work toward closure...there would be a service to honor him and possibly a headstone to visit. Instead, I have a crazy man calling me (or, not depending on his mood) making me miserable. If he were dead...I would know for certain he was never coming home. Right now, I don't know for certain what's going to happen. If he were dead, I would be a widow...right now, I'm a wife without a husband. And that, my dear reader, is like a car without tires...weird, incomplete, and going nowhere.
So, I'm doing what I always do when life fucks with me...I'm gathering information and educating myself (because I'm just a big nerd that way)...I'm getting my tools together and looking at my resources. I'm using this blog to anonymously blow off steam. Today I will attend my first Al-Anon meeting. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst...it's just my nature. Wish me luck...if nothing else, you will get to read this blog that will chronicle my life from here on out and that should be entertaining for you at least...very dramatic!
I started this blog as just a way to get out the random shit that ebb and flows through my brain. It was supposed to be a way for me to say what I wanted to say but couldn't on the other sites because certain friends and family members know exactly who I am over there and frankly, there's stuff that I think about that would scare the crap out of them and I didn't want them to see or read it...so I came here. Here, I'm Anonymous. My name isn't posted, neither is my picture. Here, I'm safe. I wish I was as safe in real life as I am here...because life has been kicking my ass the last few months.
So, the new purpose of this blog, at least for the time being, will be to allow me to get out what's happening in my life. It's more for me...if you want to read it, feel free to do so...if you don't, I don't give a damn. But I've been through a lot lately and it looks like there's a lot more up ahead for me and I have to get it out of my head
For those who don't know me well...I despise DRAMA. I detest highly dramatic people, highly dramatic situations, I'm not even that interested in highly dramatic movies. I prefer nice, calm people who have their shit together...nice, calm situations where every body's comfortable and documentaries/non-fiction books over fiction any day. Real life is tough enough without inventing hardship...in my opinion anyway. However, about a year and half ago, I woke up one day and all of sudden, my life is like a bad reality television show...which I HATE reality tv.
In the last 2 years, I have had to endure marital problems with my husband...consisting of not 1, but 2! emotional affairs...I have attended 4 funerals...I have had to semi-retire from a job I loved...I have reconnected with my long-lost father that I haven't seen in 18yrs...one of the funerals I attended was his mother, my grandmother, that I had also not seen in 18yrs. I have been dealing with my daughter's developmental delay, my son becoming a full-fledged teenager, and my own Lupus. I have (like everyone else) seen a dramatic decrease in our income due to less work at my husband's job. I have spent 4 days in a psyche ward when I had a nervous breakdown. I started a bar brawl when I found my husband talking to his 'friend' one night in a bar. And now...all this has culminated in the biggest bombshell of all...something I never thought I would have to deal with but am dealing with it now...my husband is a drug addict. (for those of you that are curious, his drug of choice is painkillers.)
He's hidden this pretty well over time. But lately, it's gotten out of hand. And he even came to me some time back to tell me he had a problem but I blew it off. I know, why did I do that? Well, to be honest, I had no evidence that he was an addict...so I thought he was inventing an excuse for why he had been a jackass the last year or so...this was a huge mistake and I URGE you...if your loved one ever comes to you and says they have a problem...LISTEN AND BELIEVE! Even if you don't see signs for yourself...believe that person 100%! Hindsight...20/20.
Last week, my husband slapped our teenage son in the face. This was unacceptable, obviously, and by then I had started to suspect something was up. So, I did some snooping...I found empty pill bottles...pain pills, muscle relaxers, over the counter sleep medicines. Confirmation that we had a serious problem. Since it is non-negotiable for me that my children will NOT be raised in a home with an addict, I confronted him and gave him an ultimatum...rehab, or move back to his mothers...I didn't care either way, but he was not living in this house another night. He chose re-hab. Yes, my husband has gone to re-hab. (And I can't get that fucking Amy Winehouse song out of my fucking head...if I ever see her I'm gonna stab her in her fucking face.)
He's been there for 11 days...he has 5 days left. It's been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. He is having mood swings from withdrawals...he is angry with himself, with me, with the staff at the center, with life in general...he's not thinking rationally...he swings from telling me he wants a divorce to telling me he loves me and is thankful to have me...he calls me and is in a good mood and then 30 seconds later he hangs up on me in anger. He's basically out of his fucking mind. He's driving me crazy...but I'm told this is normal behaviour...he's not thinking rationally...he is, in fact, a bit delusional.
And me? I'm scared. I've never been so scared in my life. How do I do this? How do I hold onto things and get to some point of sanity? (Disclaimer: If you are a friend/family member of mine reading this and you comment for me to 'just leave the bastard already!' I will bitch-slap you the next time I see you...I've heard it and I'm tired of hearing it so shut up.) What do I tell my kids? How do you explain drug addiction and re-hab to a 3yr old girl? You can't....it's impossible. All she knows is her Daddy is gone...and she loves her Daddy so much. My heart breaks for my kids every second of every day.
My heart breaks for me, too. I'm lonely. Oh, I have friends and family members and they love me and are here to support me...but my love, my husband, my friend, my lover, my life partner and constant companion of the last 12yrs is gone...not here. It's almost like he died. No, it's worse...at least if he died I could work toward closure...there would be a service to honor him and possibly a headstone to visit. Instead, I have a crazy man calling me (or, not depending on his mood) making me miserable. If he were dead...I would know for certain he was never coming home. Right now, I don't know for certain what's going to happen. If he were dead, I would be a widow...right now, I'm a wife without a husband. And that, my dear reader, is like a car without tires...weird, incomplete, and going nowhere.
So, I'm doing what I always do when life fucks with me...I'm gathering information and educating myself (because I'm just a big nerd that way)...I'm getting my tools together and looking at my resources. I'm using this blog to anonymously blow off steam. Today I will attend my first Al-Anon meeting. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst...it's just my nature. Wish me luck...if nothing else, you will get to read this blog that will chronicle my life from here on out and that should be entertaining for you at least...very dramatic!
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