AA is BULLSHIT!

Let's do a little word association...dog=cat...red=blue...alcoholic/addict=AA, right? At least, that's what we have always been told. Society, the courts, the doctors...all have told us for the last 50+ years that the gold standard in treating alcoholism/addiction is AA or one of it's other incarnations. I always believed that...always believed that it was a good thing. But, after living through this experience with my drug-addicted husband, I'm here to say IT IS NOT. As two of my living heroes, Penn and Teller, would say...AA...IS BULLSHIT! (In fact, I think they actually said that on one of their shows.)

'Oh no!' you say...how could I ever diss such a wonderful program that has helped so many people? Well, the answer is, because it doesn't help them at all. In fact, AA's own studies show that almost 95% of the people who join AA drop out and/or relapse. 95%...that's a staggering failure rate, isn't it? And yet, judges continue to sentence people there...doctors continue to advise it and entire re-hab facilities build their entire treatment plans around it's philosophy.

Let's start with the logical problems behind this program. The first thing it does is tell you that you are powerless. Well...that seems a little self-defeating, don't you think? It also gives the addict a very handy excuse for their behaviour. 'I'm powerless...I couldn't help it'. Wish I could use that one at work...'I can't come to work today...I'm powerless to get out of bed.' AA then proceeds to tell you that you can only succeed at sobriety by following their program, their way. It tells you that you will perish if you do not. (No shit, those are the words...'without this, we shall perish') It continues by telling you that, even though as an addict you are already without a doubt one of the most selfish, self-indulgent, ego-centric persons on the face of the earth, that your #1 purpose in life is now yourself and your sobriety. Above your family, your career, your friends...everything else comes second to your 'recovery' which actually means the group and it's meetings.

'Well, but isn't support from a group of people who have been through what you're going through a good thing?' you may ask me. Sure, but not if it becomes your whole life. And furthermore, only if they offer solutions to problems. From what I've seen, all they do is sit around and talk about what they used to do and feel and the problems they caused when they were fucking up so royally! And then they all have a 'yeah, I've been in that jail/wrecked that car/lost my wife' collective giggle. So, what kind of group do we have here? We have a group that allows a bunch of fucked up, narcissistic people doing nothing but sitting around for HOURS talking about themselves. Who wouldn't love that?! Hell, I'm not an addict but I would totally get off by having some body's undivided attention for hours at a time, everyday as I sat and talked about myself. At no point does anybody in the group say 'Hey, guys...we have neglected and mistreated our wives and families for all those years when we were using and shit...perhaps we should go home and show them some love and attention and ask them what WE can do for them instead of sitting around talking about ourselves.' Oh no...they don't do that...instead, they tell the addict that their wife could NEVER understand them...that only another addict can understand them...that their family could never offer them the support that the group does...in essence, that the GROUP is better than their own families and should therefore replace their family. (Ending mantra in any AA group: 'Keep coming back; it works if you work it!')

They follow up and hammer these points home by telling the wives that yes, the addict will now be consumed by AA but that the wife should simply smile and accept it...don't complain, don't nag, don't ever ask the husband to stay home and actually be a husband and father. Never mind that the husband has already spent massive amounts of time away from the family while using drugs/alcohol. Oh no...he's still gonna be gone all the time, wives...but this time it's with AA and so you are still alone. Still being the sole person responsible for the kids and the house and the bills and so forth. Your husband is sober...but he's still not home. What. The. Fuck.? This makes no sense at all. Oh, and guess what, ladies...it's gonna be like this...FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Yep, that's right...the rest of your life. See, your husband...who may not have ever drank a drop for years before or ever touched a drug before he got all those pain pills after surgery is doomed to be an addict forever and the only hope for him is complete and total immersion in AA for the rest of his life. He is also expected to help other addicts.

'But, yeah, helping others is a good thing, right?'...Wrong again. The AA big book even goes so far as to tell the addict that when they help another addict or take on someone to 'sponsor' that they should prepare themselves for this new relationship will interfere with family, career, social lives, etc. They say that there might be times that he brings home a fellow addict and that addict destroys the home, or goes insane or something equally fun. The husband should just accept that and deal with it...no questions asked. I ask you, dear reader, does this sound like a good home life for children? To have potentially dangerous addicts coming into their home and possibly 'set a mattress on fire' (actual scenario from the big book)?

This, dear reader, is fucking insane. The point of getting sober is supposed to be so you can get your life back. It's not to turn your life into a day-by-day rehashing of what you did as an addict and to devote your life (and essentially your families lives) to constant turmoil by introducing other addicts into said lives. It makes no sense, people. The marital relationship and family bonds are supposed to be the strongest, most important relationships and bonds that you hold dear. But not for the addict...no, the addict isn't talking to his wife, because he's to busy talking to his sponsor. Another addict that he has just met now gets to hear all your husband's thoughts and secrets and dreams and problems. Where does this naturally place the marriage? It places it second or third in line. This is not how it's supposed to be...it also sets up the wife as an 'outsider' who can never understand the addict. Before long, the wife becomes the enemy and a very threat to the group and the addicts recovery itself and so the marriage falls apart. How do I know? Because that's what's happening to me right now. My marriage is falling apart and it was already fragile to begin with after all my husband had done to me in his active using state. Did AA kill my marriage? No, but it was the final nail in the coffin.

I am incredibly sad at the loss of my marriage. I have tried so hard to hold it together, but it seems my husband loves something else...he loves AA. So, I am going to let him go forth with his new love...alone. I hope AA makes him very happy...I hope they ful-fill his needs in the ways it seems I never could. I hope one day my children can forgive me for what has happened to their family. I may never forgive myself.